Unlocked: An Interview with Frederick Celery
A little background for the interview with Jillian Speller.
Hello All!!
You may recall in last week’s interview/story about Top Wine a man named Frederick and a Steakhouse in Kansas City called Starkey’s were referenced. For those that want to plumb the depths of my world building ability, here is the backstory to that Falstaffian character. It starts out with a preface, like everything else I write.
Please suspend your disbelief after this sentence.
An Interview with Wine Director, Frederick Celery
The interview below was supposed to be an assignment from Heartland Wine Magazine which the editors decided not to print. Which is fair, Frederick goes off the rails near the end. You may have seen some headlines about Frederick’s arrest and subsequent imprisonment. I figure it was safe to publish this in my little newsletter knowing full well that the man is firmly behind bars.
We met in the cavernous dining room of Starkey’s in the epicenter of downtown Kansas City, Kansas. The building had once been an old US Postal Hub until the 50’s when a new Hub was built on the Missouri side of town. Since it was Monday the Steakhouse was closed, so the dinning cavern was inhabited by just Fred, a member of the staff behind the bar polishing glasses and myself. A bottle of 2003 Erdener Pralat Auslese stood next to a half full decanter of wine.
Matt: Hello Fredrick! It's nice to finally meet you, we've been mutual followers of one another on Instagram for how long now?
Frederick: I think, it's been like three years?
M: No, that can’t be right.
F: It is, you joined in...it doesn't matter because you are here to interview me and I am here to be the interviewee. No one cares how long we've been sending memes to each other. Oh and you're welcome for the last idea.
M: You introduced me to aged Zinfandel but you can’t take credit for my meme. You’re right, let’s move on. You've been at Starkey's for twenty years now?
F: Twenty five actually.
M: Oh wow, huh, okay break that down for me.
F: Ten as the General Manager slash Wine Director, ten as just the Wine Director, one as a line cook and four as a server.
M: So I'm assuming you started out on the line?
F: Sure did.
M: Is that how you got that craggy exterior you're famous for?
At this point Frederick looked a little hurt, then he realized I was making a joke. The laugh came slow though. He’s famous for getting drunk and crying. Probably shouldn’t have put him on the defense this early in the interview.
F: Oh haha yeah laugh it up. I care. I actually put in the work. It's healthy to cry.
M: Okay, I didn't mean to brush that exposed nerve. You're the best, I love you. Let's get on with this interview.
F: You're the one asking questions, fire away.
M: How did you get into wine?
F: Really? You're going to ask me my origin story? Go on the website. It's all up there and probably better written than this “interview.” Why didn't you do a profile? Afraid of putting a narrative together?
M: I saw how beautiful you are on I.G. (Instagram) and had to meet you in person. Let's try this again, how did you get the job at Starkey’s Steakhouse? Who was the wine director at the time? Scatter a couple interesting facts in when appropriate, if you don’t mind.
Fred loosened up here.
F: Ha, okay. I was working as a cook in Chicago at Charlie Trotter’s from ‘93 until '99 (It was ‘97 if you do the math) , no wait it must have been…
M: Don’t worry about it, let’s just keep going. I’ll fix the year when I edit this.
F: I was there a while and I wasn’t making much headway so a buddy of mine suggested we move to Kansas City.
M: Just out of blue? There was no other impulse?
F: Kind of? We had just watched The Hustler, you know with Jackie Gleason and Paul Newman and thought yeah, Kansas City looked cool.
The Hustler (‘61) was set in New York City, though they may have mentioned Kansas City once during the movie. Fred went on a tangent here about the cost of gas then and his ol’ Chevy Nova, it was pretty boring so we’re going to skip ahead.
F: So that’s how we made it to KC! What’s you’re next question?
M: …How did you get the job at Starkey’s?
F: Ha! That’s easy, it belonged to my family.
M: Wait, what?
F: Yeah, I’m from Kansas City.
M: Hold on, you just said that The Hustler inspired you to move to KC.
F: Yeah, well it was true, it made me homesick and I wanted to move back. My dad ran the restaurant and my mom was the executive chef. I got tired of working the kitchen, so my folks let me serve in the dining room. I was pretty good at that.
M: Let’s just assume all that makes sense. The Wine Director before you was Kelly McHannon, what did the cellar look like under her stewardship?
At this point in the conversation both our glasses were empty. Frederick gave me a wink and reached under the table to grab a bottle of 2004 Chateau Palmer that didn’t look like a Palmer I’d ever seen. He spoke while making quick work of the cork.
F: Wow did you do any homework before this interview? Kelly was short for Kellen. He focused on Left Bank Bordeaux, White Burgundy and local wine almost exclusively.
M: Gender is fluid so…
F: Not the way Kelly saw it, neither was race or religion. He hated many peoples and I’ll go to my grave plagued by memories of the epithets that would emerge when he was drunk.
M: How often did he drink?
F: He’d start with the sales reps in the morning and keep going until he left around midnight. Kelly died in his early fifties. I took over his role soon after that. He taught me discipline and everything about Bordeaux, but his life was tragic and serves as a lesson.
M: What is that lesson?
F: You need to take care of yourself and the people around you or else you’ll die bitter and alone like Kelly.
M: That’s a great message, I think. You’ve been a Wine Director here for some time now. What’s your secret for longevity?
F: Stay in a smaller market where there isn’t much competition and sleep 10 hours a night.
M: Come on, that can’t be it.
F: There is one other thing I do…I reset my palate every year.
M: Would you mind elaborating?
F: After the holiday season is over, I rent a ski chalet at Snow Creek a few miles up the road. I’ll brew a big pot of coffee and drink it as soon as it comes out of the machine.
M: Doesn’t that burn your mouth? It sounds really painful.
F: That’s the idea, I burn off my taste buds and grow new ones over that next week. “New year, new mouth.” That’s the little jingle I sing to myself before it goes down the hatch. That and always stay current on trends.
M: I think the second part is the key here. Speaking of trends, I see there was some Rombauer Chardonnay on the list.
F: Come on man lay off, I'm the only spot in K.C. that has Screaming Eagle mags, Harlan verticals and a bottle of Dujac squirreled away somewhere. I can get wines that you haven’t even heard of.
M: Try me.
F: Ever heard of Christian Moueix?
M: Yeah, he’s the owner of Dominus, right?
F: Alright hotshot….that was an easy one. Seeing if you were paying attention. I bet you’ve never heard of Domaine Brandboat?
M: You got me. I’m stumped.
F: I made that one up. Good job. Wanted to keep you honest. Have you heard of…
M: What are some unorthodox steak pairings you tell adventurous dinners.
F: Ha! scared yah. Just as well. Lets see what else we got here.
Frederick lifted the tablecloth and rummaged through a case of wine he had at his feet. After much clinking he produced a bottle of 2007 Quinta do Noval, Nacional. Which shouldn’t exist, since Quinta do Noval didn’t declare a vintage wine from the Nacional vineyard in 2007.
So if they ask me for a fun pairing, I’ll ask if they trust me and bring them some wine from the “winery” I own. Basically it’s the “house wine” with some oak chips thrown in.
M: Oh yeah “Direct Wine 4 You Tonight,” right?
F: That’s the slogan; “Direct Wine 4 You: Make Tonight Any Night.” The name of the estate is, Kelly’s Dream.
M: I thought you were trying to distanc…. Yeah I see you post from the vineyard time and again. How’re the grapes?
F: Yeah…I mean I don’t really know. I actually sell the grapes to the neighbors. They do all the farming and picking. I only charge them $500 a ton. I got the cuttings from a little wine house in Pomerol called Petrus…ever heard of it? At least that’s what I told my neighbors! HA! Hell, I make the restaurant house wine from a kit I order on the internet.
M: You know you don’t have to tell me everything, I know were like buddies and all that but I don’t want to get you in trouble.
F: Hmm? What? Anyway I buy two boxes of the stuff which makes 12 gallons. Comes out to 6 cases. I bill Starkey’s $8 a bottle, it costs me $3 a “bottle” to make. We charge $7 a glass and I’m the hero of Kansas City. We don’t even bottle it, just put the finished wine in Gatorade jugs and spout it out when someone orders a glass. That’s why it’s called “Kelly’s Dream,” he always knew how to work the angles. I miss that guy.
A tear began to form in Fredrick’s left eye.
M: You said earlier, that Kelly was a….
F: Yes?
Fred stared at me through hollow eyes and I felt the familiar pall of conversing with someone that was blackout drunk. I suspected that he’d started drinking before my arrival though there was no way of knowing how long he’d been in the glasses.
M: Well Kelly was clearly your mentor and a pillar of the community.
F: That’s right! Sure he had his rough edges. Everyone has their faults.
There was no return. Fredrick didn’t know me from Adam at that point. I motioned to the glass-polisher that I was leaving and he should come and collect his boss. I’m speaking to his employee here.
M: Tomorrow when he comes to, have him give me a call. I’ve got a flight to catch.
The next day I received a call from Frederick. His assistant, the glass-polisher, had relayed the gist of the conversation. Frederick threatened legal action against me if this interview ever went to print…but he can’t do anything to me while in Jail.
You may un-suspend your disbelief now. Thank you for reading. If you liked this interview/story, please share it! See you when I write something else!